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There once was a girl who hated the world because of the pain within.  On the outside she appeared just fine.  But her sanity was wearing thin.  Pain and hate and guilt were hidden deep inside her mind.  But it grew and increasingly she broke down from time to time.  No one knew of her burdens since she hid them very well.  No one would've ever guessed that soon she'd say her last farewell.  Her family expected too much from her and spoke in an indifferent and hypocritical way.  She felt worthless and useless and stupid and ashamed.  It was the same cycle every day.  Her friends provided little comfort for they were all rather opinionated.  Their disregard to her when she tried to speak out left her lonely and suffocated.  The only person that she believed she loved was manipulative and played games with her head.  His unpredictable schizophrenic nature often left her hanging by a thread.  It's ironic that she was forced to comfort him for the idea of her leaving him filled him with dread.  If he knew the impact of his later betrayal, he might not have been misled.  She was breaking apart and falling down.  From her heart the darkness spread.  Bitterness clouded her judgment.  Mentally she had already excessively bled.  In the end, she snapped.  As for the rest, I can't say.  That day it was raining, cold, and gray.  Her parents wept; her friends, they cried.  Her younger sister kept asking, "Why did she die?"  They didn't answer, couldn't reply.  They didn't know the truth and couldn't bear to lie.  They went on a search, a bit of a quest.  And what they found shocked even those who knew her best.  Now that she's gone, it was clear she was depressed.  Truth be told, she was simply upset.  But her pain ran much deeper than they ever believed.  A soul as fragile as an autumn leaf.  Ignorantly pretending that nothing was wrong, thinking she was only going through a phase.  Unaware that behind the mask she put on, she was trapped in a crowded never-ending maze.  This is the story of a selfish girl who shall remain unnamed.  There is no winner of this story.  Both sides are ultimately to blame.  The next time you're dealing with others, think before you act or speak.  You never know if the next person you accidently treat like crap will be driven over the edge.  A delicate imbalance.  Someone like me.
EDIT:: 9/10/2012
If you're having problems and thinking about suicide and have no one to talk to, try calling one of these numbers.

Us: 1-800-273-8255

Uk and Ireland: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90

Australia: 13 11 14

France: 01 45 39 40 00

Italy: 800 86 00 22

Germany: 0800 181 0771

Russia: 007 (8202) 577-577

Portugal: (+351) 225 50 60 70

seriously, talk to someone. All you need is someone who'll truly listen to you without judging.

I haven't been on dA at all in the past few months because of my issues in life, so I may not get to any of the comments here anytime soon, so please try talking to someone, anyone.

EDIT:: May 3, 2012
if anyone makes it to these comments, if you need anyone to talk to, message me. I may not give the best advice, but I will listen. I'm not perfect, but I try not to judge.


EDIT:: 11/15/2011

How does this poem get around, seriously? You would think that it would be buried under the many other suicide related deviations out there.



I have a folder here that has a bunch of other poems kinda like this one. ...If you're interested. If reading poetry that you can relate to makes you feel a little better. It's all old, but this poem is also really old, so... yeah.



EDIT 1/25/2010: :poke:
wait, it's been 4 years since I posted this?! I FEEL OLD |: Anyway, this is my most popular deviation apparently, so I wanted to say something. lol does anyone ever read these comments anyway?

Like this poem? Can you relate? I want to hear about what you think. I'm no therapist, I'm an incredibly shy person, but I like to hear about people's experiences. I want to know what you've gone through. Those things in the above poem? Obviously, crap I've gone through. It isn't anything spectacular, maybe not even that bad compared to things some of you might have been through, which is why I'd just like to know.

Course, if you don't want to, that's totally alright. I'm chill with that. But I know that most of you want someone to notice your pain. So I just want to extend a hand to anyone who's willing to reach out to mine.

and for anyone wondering, the name out the bottom of the comment box is the name I originally used for the girl in the poem. It rhymes with my name... no... wait. No it doesn't, I think I've been pronouncing it wrong this whole time! :O ... :noes: .... :la:

*ahem* I also have plenty of angsty and not so angsty poems in my gallery *shameless plug* I get insecure when this is the only thing in my freaking gallery that gets favorited, not that it really matters orz

/end long edited comment rambles/ :phew:

~~~
Warning...it's about suicide, so I suppose it's mature? >_>

wow...I don't think most of my poems are this depressing.

I actually wrote this in 8th grade...and I ended it on a sort of attempt at a positive note, but not really, if you don't know what I mean. and I rewrote the ending about 2 years ago, but it still was kind of weird. So I rewrote most of it bout 2 months ago, and hardly any of the original is left, but it's generally the same...but yeah.

I'm not suicidal. I was just depressed when I wrote it the first time as with most...things. >_>

but yes...I digress.

Madeline
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:iconlovefromsky:
LoveFromSky Featured By Owner May 25, 2015  New Deviant Hobbyist General Artist
beautiful. Thats my life right there
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:iconmyennaius13:
Myennaius13 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2015
Change all of the 'she' to 'he' and you'd have written the story of my life; as utterly beautiful a piece as rain on a graveyard (take it as a compliment).
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:iconi-so-ship-it:
I-so-ship-it Featured By Owner Dec 10, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I almost cried...this is touching and I can relate to it...sadly.
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:icontheonetheycalltrent:
TheOneTheyCallTrent Featured By Owner Aug 29, 2014  Student Artist
:)
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:iconsheepspotato:
Sheepspotato Featured By Owner Aug 18, 2014  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This is so beautiful 
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:iconglacethewolf:
Glacethewolf Featured By Owner Aug 1, 2014  Student Writer
I want to tell you this, suicide is considered the Cowards way out, nobody deserves to be bullied to where they will suicide, I might be a stranger, but nobody should ever suicide because of bullying,when I was younger, a guy nearly strangled me, and he did it because he hates me, but remember, you shouldn't ever do suicide, life isn't replaceable,life doesn't last forever, so please don't leave the world because of bullying
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:iconmollyteter:
mollyteter Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014   Digital Artist
this is so much like my life, its kinda scary. not including the thing about the man/boy thingy but yeah, thats me. i wish i could get out of this, but i dont really want to say anything. this was very well written btw, im gonna have a look at some of your other pieces (and no im not tryying to be creepy :D) thank you for writing about this and more people need to see this.
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:icon2snails1shell:
2snails1shell Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Please don't? Stay and work "it" out !YAY! :hug: Kirk & Kiki :heart:
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:iconboodikashu:
boodikashu Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
This is EXACTLY how I feel. I have, like, four friends... And all of them constantly push me aside so I'm wondering if they ARE my friends or whether it's ME who's the problem and then I feel that it would be better for me to die and leave everyone on peace. I mean, I've been better recently, but it's still there... I wrote a poem on the same subject, take a look. Nowhere near as good as this one but I want to know how many people are in the same situation as me...
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:iconkryorimai:
KryoriMai Featured By Owner Dec 24, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
This...this....just explained the story of me....
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:iconsurvivordove:
SurvivorDove Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2013
Very powerful words...I cannot describe how similar this is to someone I used to know. She's not dead, but she could have been with the crap she went through. I'm amazed she never tried anything like suicide because I suspected her of that for almost a year. Then another friend of ours has had god knows how many people in his life kill themselves. Makes me wonder if it'd have been any different if they had read something like this. Maybe that's why my friend was so strong, but I don't know. Anyway, I have a high respect for this. I appreciate what I have written.
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:iconverycuriouslystrange:
verycuriouslystrange Featured By Owner Jul 29, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
:heart: I read it.  And, I felt better.  Will that feeling last?  Who knows.  But, I wanted to thank you.  :nod:
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:iconevyanna28:
Evyanna28 Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2013  Student Traditional Artist
Hey i know what suicide feels like i had attempted 2 times already but u see if u think bout it it u will only cause people who love u to suffer and u may think nobody cares or love you but trust me they do. If anyone wants to talk bout problems or something feel free to send a note or an email to evyanna28@gmail.com.
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:iconkitkatkmh26:
kitkatKMH26 Featured By Owner Jun 12, 2013
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem...
Reply
:iconshadalex1011:
ShadAlex1011 Featured By Owner May 13, 2013  Hobbyist Artist
Same here but only my closest friends know and I don't want to talk to people because last time I was just called stupid and needed to get over it. I'm not but still living. Hopefully not for long...
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:iconcoolkimmy:
coolkimmy Featured By Owner May 6, 2013
That's pretty much my story, except for the part where I die
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:iconrosenthia:
rosenthia Featured By Owner Apr 9, 2013  Student General Artist
wow this is me I'm going through so much pain right now and and depression i just want t kill myself i put on a fake mask when i go to school so that none of my friends would worry about me and my sanity wore thin and still is wearing thin I'm always in pain i have thought of suicide a lot and i ask myself a question you see if i die who would cry for me?
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:iconthunderwolf1324:
thunderwolf1324 Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
I couldn't talk to anyone I know in reality if I had the chance. They would never listen. They drift from me and I think I should just leave. But I can't. It gets harder to wake up, and I wear that fake smile to school and pretend everything is ok. I can't do it....
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:iconlostkudzu:
LostKudzu Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Talk to your family. Even though it seems like they don't care, they know you better than anyone. You'll be surprised. Never, ever commit suicide. You can't know the good things in the future you will miss.
Reply
:iconthunderwolf1324:
thunderwolf1324 Featured By Owner Mar 29, 2013  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Ill try. Thank you for encouraging me
Reply
:iconwolfgirl737:
WolfGirl737 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012
hmm .. this is what i feel deppressed and hate inside .. ignored .. but whatever it doesnt matter what i feel i guess ?
Reply
:iconbellezza-corrutta:
bellezza-corrutta Featured By Owner Nov 25, 2012
Oh wow, can I relate to this or what!!!
"Lonely and suffocated"
"Mentally she already excessively bled"
This, to my knowledge, is a fantastically accurate depiction of a suicidal mind x
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:iconasadandlonelykid:
ASadAndLonelyKid Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Student Photographer
after i told my driends to take the hint from all my suicide favs they figured out i'm contemplating suicide. so far one of them has been supportive after she figured it but the other...she hasn't been very nice and because of that i'm thinking i really should commit suicide. like AskPonySouthAfrica, my friends are drifting away and i've always been the third wheel and its damging me greatly. my best friend thinks i can just cheer up when its not easy at all.

this is off topic but im having difficulty posting my first thing, its a poem so if anyone can help me that would be great thanks
Reply
:iconaskponysouthafrica:
AskPonySouthAfrica Featured By Owner Aug 8, 2012  Hobbyist Digital Artist
(( ..... you said you'd listen to people?
well.... I guess this kind of sums up me.
lately my friends have been drifting, I was always the
third wheel, the drifter. I never could sit with
one group for long. I did come back to others....
but. I guess Im just looking for the people who will
notice me when I speak. not be drowned out by
all their pain. (selfish. I know.......)

I've time and time again questioned my sanity.
I've always noticed that there was something not
quite right with how I would think and see or do
things.

I'm ashamed of myself for becoming so depressed,
when I have a family who loves me,
a roof to slep under, the ability to draw.....

I guess I never asked for help is because,
i thought my problems were too trivial, and a waste
of someone else's time. that's why I've constantly worn
a mask and given up on my friends seeing my pain.

I've done some really stupid things lately, and I wish I
could reverse the clock, stop myself from starting.
I can't stop. and even though one friend knows.
they act as if I'm perfectly fine.

I'm selfish, and couldn't do anything right besides draw.
if you read all this, thankyou so much.
even if you don't comment back right away,
it makes me feel better just getting this out there.

~lelzzy ))
Reply
:iconlostkudzu:
LostKudzu Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
You aren't insane, it's depression. It's a legitimate illness, but I know the guilt makes it worse. Your friend probably has no idea what to do. That doesn't mean they don't love you. In my experience, telling people helps. My best friend went through some depression recently, she emailed me what she had been feeling, and wrote what would have been too hard to say aloud. We talked, and she says she feels better about it all.
Reply
:iconscrudeup:
Scrudeup Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2012
The girl is selfish because she refused to meet others expectations and continue living?
Bullshit.
Reply
:iconlostkudzu:
LostKudzu Featured By Owner Mar 28, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Be young, be foolish, but be happy. Best motto. :)
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:iconsallydollop:
SallyDollop Featured By Owner Jun 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is describing me
Reply
:iconnadi56345:
Nadi56345 Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2012
It is very good, your piece. WOW! I have a strange fascination with this whole depression thing - it is a fix for me and is currently making me feel alive to study. I don't know why I got depression - and I just cruised through mine for 2 and a half years (being so oblivious helped). In 2010 I just stopped taking the meds, because I realised it wasn't doing anything anymore. The psychiatrist was just going to keep me on them FOREVER, I realised and my dad was going on about money. I'm not depressed anymore, but I'm not exactly happy either. But maybe I never was. I'm just so used to how I feel that it doesn't bother me that much. I live this way. Hope it's something you wanted to hear. :)
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:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
I'm glad you liked reading my poem!
Yes, I understand how depression might be very interesting... sometimes emotions that are hard to understand are just interesting like that.
I don't understand how I got depression either, since I don't think it runs in my family. I never took meds for it, but I'm glad to hear that you didn't have to be dependent on them. I think that feeling generally unhappy is pretty common, but it's probably better than being outright depressed. As long as you know how to deal, it should be fine, yeah? But anyway, thank you for taking the time to comment ^_^
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:iconhellohailey:
HelloHailey Featured By Owner Mar 25, 2012  Student General Artist
she wasnt selfish.........she thought she was doing everyone a favor of leaving.....evr think abt it???? ....hate people who say tht...........
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:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
sorry for such a late reply

Well, saying that the girl in my poem is selfish was more of an echo of how non-depressed people feel about it. It's not necessarily how I feel on the subject. I didn't mean to offend!
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:iconhellohailey:
HelloHailey Featured By Owner May 3, 2012  Student General Artist
It's all good......I just had a friend recently commit suicide....I wrote something about him.....so....yea nota good subject for me rite now
Reply
:iconayumuitoe:
Ayumuitoe Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2012  Student General Artist
I hate being selfish, yet this is one of those things that I would be willing to do... except, I'm tied down here knowing that if I died, someone might follow and I would not be able to bear the thought that because I ended my life, someone would end their own.
Reply
:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner May 3, 2012
sorry for the late, late reply orz

Don't be ashamed of feeling selfish, because if that's how you feel, it'll be hard to change that until you get to a place where you no longer have to feel that way. If you're depressed and suicidal, you have a right to feel that way. It might not necessarily be a good thing, but who's to say you shouldn't feel that way?
Anyway, I hope you're still around to get this reply, because I try to reply when I can. So you say that there's someone who would commit suicide if you did it? Hmm, I've never heard of something like that happening, at least as far as things going on in my life, but I can definitely see that as a possibility. I can't really say much without knowing more on the situation. Are they a friend or family member or something? Also, you don't have to tell me if you don't want, but if you want to talk about these things, you can message me.
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:iconmilchmannfan:
Milchmannfan Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
my life in a nutshell. Only that I'll be still alive.
Stay strong, people!
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:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner Mar 8, 2012
Exactly. We have to keep pushing forward even when it sucks. :hug:
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:iconmichikofiredancer:
MichikoFireDancer Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2012
This is amazing. I know the feeling of having poeple not listen to you and saying stupid things with no idea of the hurt they cause.
Reply
:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012
Thanks for the comment! Yeah, that feeling's not all that great...
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:iconpandalove776:
Pandalove776 Featured By Owner Jan 16, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
This feeling is spreading within my friend...If only I knew what to do
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:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012
Sometimes the best thing to do is to listen... to make them feel like they're needed. It's hard trying to cheer up a depressed person though.
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:iconlovelysin1:
LovelySin1 Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2012  Student Writer
Lexi!!!!!! Hey it's me, Zofie. My dad kicked me off my old account and changed the passward. Did he tell you?
Reply
:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner Jan 27, 2012
Sorry for the late reply, school is killing me. And no, I had no idea o.o
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:iconj-miyao:
J-Miyao Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
the girl who died is exactly like iam right now! unbelievable :,( i had to cry while reading this!
Reply
:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011
aww!! D: *hugs* :hug:

I know, I'm feeling pretty crappy right now. What the heck is with feeling like this right after Christmas, I mean seriously.

Is it anything specific that's the problem or is it just...everything?
Reply
:iconj-miyao:
J-Miyao Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist Photographer
shared suffer is half of suffer at least, i feel with you *hugsBack* :P
i know, idk what the hell it is.
Maybe we got a kind of christmas-depression.
but damn! Your story here really touches my heart!
Reply
:iconkamikazecharlotte:
KamikazeCharlotte Featured By Owner Dec 27, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
I apologize for the lengthy comment. Came across this while doing a search on "suicide note".

I've been very depressed. Most days I don't even want to put in the effort to get out of bed. Its not that I'm tired, but emotionally exhausted. Well, I can't completely say that because my brain won't shut up most nights, I can't sleep, and then I really am tired on top of mentally drained. Some days I wake up extra exhausted from having cried myself uncontrollably to sleep. But I have to get out of bed---which it feels like every depressed atom in my body is straining from having to---for the simple fact that I have to go to work. There I put a false smile on my face and try to at least act somewhat happy and that takes quite a lot of energy. If anyone asks if I'm okay because I look sad I lie with "Nah, I'm just tired. Didn't sleep well". Sometimes I can't quite make it through the whole work day without breaking down so I excuse myself for a bathroom break and cry silently in a stall. Or I spend my lunch break in the old smoking room so no one sees me break down. And everyday I contemplate my own demise...leaping off the bridge, overdosing on a bottle of aspirin, slicing my veins apart, purposely running in front of a moving car or getting lucky and one hits me on its own. Sometimes the emotional pain is great enough that I actually consider turning a death thought into reality. My low self esteem justifies these suicidal thoughts. I feel like I'm too worthless, useless, and fucked up to be deserving of a life anyways. I don't have any real support. My family just thinks I can "Buck up and deal with it" and all my friends can say---the ones who do say something---is something along the lines of "Don't kill yourself! Life is worth living! You have so much to live for! You mean something! It'll work out!" and some other non-personal sounding BS that sounds like came straight out of a "Basic Therapy 101" Power Point presentation. Or they say "I wish I knew what to say, but there isn't anything I can say that would make you feel better"---which how is that supposed to make me feel better if not worse?

Lately it was a little better. Mostly because I had self-esteem support from my long distance boyfriend of 10 months. Being that I have low self-esteem a lot of the time I automatically deny his claims that I'm "smart" or "pretty" or anything positive, but deep down I was glad someone said it. Last week he was up here when I had cancer screening done, which the process was so painful for me that I had a panic attack once it was over. He even traded in Skyrim, the game he's been going on about since it came out, so he'd have gas money to come here. I have HPV, which certain strains turn cancerous and I don't know what strain I have, and had an entire month to worry about this procedure so by the time it came around I was pretty scared and wanted him to be there. He made me feel like I was worth something. That I was wanted and loved. I'd think about him and believed that things would be alright. And things started to get better. I wasn't so depressed. I wasn't pretending to be happy and little by little I was genuinely happy. I didn't cry in the bathroom. Suicide thoughts were less frequent and I had days where I didn't even think about it.

...until he broke up with me on December 25. Seriously, he dumped me on Christmas. Makes me feel like crap because it begs the question "How worthless do you have to be to be dumped on Christmas?" And he didn't give me much of a coherent explanation for breaking up with me. Since he was my main support and nothing about this break up makes sense, naturally I fell apart. Its amazing how quickly someone can revert to being broken and depressed in 24 hours. I had to go back into work the day after Christmas and have every co-worker ask "How was your Christmas?", which was torturous. Later, I wrote a suicide note (after having looked "suicide note" up on DA and Google...hence why I ended up here in the first place), bought aspirins (deciding on the overdosing route), and even picked out what clothes I wanted to be found dead in. I think I'm only holding back from doing it right this second because some sort of sliver of what remains of my sanity of me still stupidly believes that things will get better.
Reply
:iconlexical-phobia:
lexical-phobia Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011
First of all, I'm sorry I didn't respond right away. I saw it was long and I wanted to put in all of my attention for a reply and I haven't been feeling all that great myself lately. But holy shit, I hope you're still here to read my reply.

Holy hell, what the eff is wrong with your ex dumping you on Christmas especially if he knows about your self-esteem issues?! I totally understand, the boy in my poem dumped me on Thanksgiving and it took a hella long time to get over that. Of course you're going to fall apart, that's just... seriously cruel and unusual. I don't even... Geez...

And I'm totally sorry, my mind is very random so I'll be jumping around... I understand how you feel about being emotionally exhausted. I was feeling alright until a few days ago and lately I've been going to sleep in the morning and waking up at night. I'm only doing that because I'm not in school at the moment but I'm sorry you have to go to work; I can't even imagine.

And about your friends and family saying the same effing BS to you, it really has to do with lack of understanding. It's just... honestly, if you have NEVER had serious depression or suicidal thoughts, you just can't understand what it feels like to feel like utter shit. And you keep thinking to yourself that maybe they'll somehow understand so you try to talk to those people and... what they say just makes you feel worse. Like what the hell, I'm depressed and you're telling me "oh it's just the way of life and things will eventually get better" yeah sure, thanks for caring.

It's fucking hard. It is SO hard to get out of depression because you're so used to it and the thoughts just linger there and even if things do get a little better, those thoughts will always be there if you get even a little sad. I think the worst part of your situation is the fact that everyone around you just doesn't get it.

So if you get this message, I have a couple of questions so that I understand things better. I'm no freaking therapist, but I feel you. And I want you to know that I seriously feel you; I feel your pain. Maybe not entirely, which is why I hope you can answer my questions because I want to know.

First of all, how exactly did you ex break up with you? Like, what did he say exactly. Because that is seriously all kinds of fucked up and I wanna know exactly how he did it.

Is there anyone, anyone at all that you feel like you can trust enough to tell them how depressed you feel? Anyone that you think will honestly listen to you? And if not... what do you want them to say to you?

What makes you feel happy, even if just a little bit? Like... a hobby or something on TV or whatever, I don't know.

If any of that feels uncomfortable, you don't have to answer, I guess. But I'm still glad you actually took the time to tell me your problems, I mean, it seems like this has been building up for forever. Honestly, I think it takes a lot of guts to live and a lot of guts to tell people when you're sad because it seems like most people in this society are just... going through the motions of how life is "supposed" to be lived like and they have no time or patience to deal with those of us who are falling behind and struggling to just... keep functioning.

Anyway, I'll be able to give a better response if you answer my questions (if you want to). I have a small suggestion, but I was thinking that maybe you can trying using sleeping pills. I mean, that way, you won't have to spend your nights being tortured by your thoughts and at the very least, your body will be rested and it might be easier to make it through the day. It's something that I keep telling myself that I need to do, especially with school coming up. Of course, you don't have to take my advice or anything, I just thought I'd throw that out there.
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:iconkamikazecharlotte:
KamikazeCharlotte Featured By Owner Dec 31, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Well you're in luck. I tried taking a bunch of pills, but I have this horrible cold with a horrible cough. After taking a bunch I ended up coughing so bad that I vomited and threw them all up right away.

I really don’t have anyone to really talk to that would truly understand. The best words of wisdom anyone can seem to muster up is “It will get better. Trust me.” The worst came from my mother, the condensed version of it being “What do you have to be sad about? You sleep all day and you get to do whatever the Hell you please!” Honestly, its hard to talk to anyone when the answers you get are either false positives or extreme negatives, each having some sort of stigma towards depression that makes you wonder why you bothered to ask for help in the first place. And any doctor I’ve talked to basically wants to shove a miracle pill down my throat thinking it will suddenly make everything all better. I tried medication a few years ago when I was first diagnosed with depression only to feel even more depressed. A few months later I took a whole bottle and had to be sent to the hospital. I was appalled when the same doctor who prescribed me the pills was insisting on getting on a different medication---not even 24 hours after intentionally taking a whole bottle of low dosage anti-depressants and was still suffering the side effects of having done so.

As far as the boyfriend goes, I really don’t want to talk about the actual break up. And parts of it are a bit of blur. I think depression makes certain events fuzzy and you can’t remember jack shit when you start feeling a little bit better. On a brighter note, we did end up talking later on. He says he still loves me and will still support me as I’m still waiting on the results on the biopsies that were taken during my cancer screening. He’s in a bad place himself: he’s been out of work for about six months, he can’t support he son, he feels like a failure, and to top it all off he always gets this “seasonal depression”. We’re still technically broke up, but not really separated either. We’re working things out.

But I’m still pretty depressed. I’ve been having trouble sleeping at night. The last couple of nights I managed to get to sleep at around 4 in the morning by watching the old Iron Chef episodes with Morimoto in them. When I do get to sleep I have nightmares about my technical ex-boyfriend abandoning me. I don’t stay asleep and I keep waking up about every hour or so. Sleeping pills haven’t really worked in the past and I worry about becoming dependant on them. I try to distract myself, but I’ve lost interest in some of the things that were distracting me. Somehow I manage to get out of bed when I have to go to work, but on my days off I usually stay in bed with the exception of going to the bathroom and making something to eat. If I’m really depressed and its my day off I can sleep in past 3pm---I figure I deserve to stay in bed as long as I fucking I want after four days of going to work and trying to simply function while putting a happy face on it. But then I don’t get anything done. I just shut down.
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:iconhyper-goth:
hyper-goth Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2011
someone like me too.
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